I’m Not The Best, But I’m Trying My Best

I am better, but I’m not my best.

Perhaps I never will be, or maybe I’ll never really know what my best is.

But I have a three-step plan to getting there.

I won’t share the specifics, I’ve learned that setting expectations can be harmful to myself and others. And I’d rather show my progress instead of talking about it.

One step is relatively easy.

One step will no doubt have a positive change towards my mental health and will drastically improve my life.

One step will no doubt be incredibly hard work, but will ultimately be worth it in the long-run.

I have a few side projects I’d like to work on too.

Writing has always been a strange hobby for me. I’ve never felt particularly good at it but I enjoy the process of crafting something. So I’m trying to fill that little gap in my mind.

I’m trying to get out more too. When I first starting feeling different around 12 and 13, the first thing that happened is that I stopped going out and seeing and talking to people. That’s a trait I never fully recovered from and it still impacts me to this day. That’s anxiety unchained for you. Now if I can just find some people who actually want to just sit and relax for an hour or two…or I guess I’ll just talk to my dog until she has had enough of me.

It’s the small things that are keeping me down lately. I thought I was finally ready to come away from my antidepressants, but the week I came off them, I reacted pretty bad and it was obvious I needed to come back on. That made me feel like a bit of a failure.

Depression and anxiety create the perfect storm of guilt. It’s the fear of failure and the lack of motivation to be productive.

I’m flip-flopping between some major decisions that need to be made.

My brain is trying to process conflicting feelings, as you’d expect an early-20’s male brain to be doing, mixed in with a bunch of prescription drugs.

I’m still learning to love myself. I like being alone but I’ve had enough of being lonely.

For now, though, I’m just happy to still be alive.

As ever:

For those that know me, if you are suffering from depression, or its side effects, I am always available to listen to what you’re going through.

For those that don’t, there is always someone out there who cares about what you’re going through.

I’m not a medical professional, but I do know what it’s like to live with anxiety, depression, anxiety and panic attacks, imposter syndrome, and the little voice in your head that just never shuts up.

Feel like giving up? Remind yourself of these things.

Recognise negative self-talk; I do this all the time, stop putting yourself down and instead talk yourself up.

Talk about it; whatever it may be, however silly it seems, however trivial, with a friend, or a stranger, talk about your issues, your problems, your troubles. Gaining another perspective can help, but even freeing yourself from suffering alone can be therapeutic.

When something nice happens, post about it, write about it, photograph it. Find a way to journal that memory so you can remember it and how it made you feel.

Take your medication, it’s there for a reason.


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